“As I’m sure you know by now, people who are highly narcissistic engage in a tactic known as love bombing. This happens in the initial stage of the relationship, where they are kind, helpful, promising you the world, buttering you up with compliments, and many other rewards. But this loving, kind, compassionate behavior doesn’t last very long. Soon, you will feel the negative shift in their attitude, in their emotions, their behavior, and their energy towards you. They will get distant, cold, and even cruel. Then, out of the blue, they go back to acting kind and caring for a while.
Today I’m talking about the narcissist’s dance of kindness and cruelty. I will explain 10 hidden motives driving this behavior.
Once the narcissist has gained your trust and you’re attached to them, they will begin to devalue you. At first, it might be subtle – just a little jab here and there. But soon, you will find that they are irritable, emotionally distant, and finding fault in everything you do. They don’t appreciate anything anymore, and they certainly don’t want to hear about your concerns and complaints, especially as it relates to them in this relationship.
Over time, they will belittle, dismiss, criticize, and demean you almost constantly. You will be fighting for your sanity and your self-esteem as the narcissist’s disdain for you intensifies and their psychological cruelty worsens. And if you don’t like it and you’re not interested in serving them and acting as a narcissistic supply, then you know where the door is.
However, if you are still willing and useful, then you may be allowed to stick around, and crumbs of kindness will be thrown your way once in a while. And here, let me explain 10 of the potential reasons for this.
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1 – To Keep you Motivated
This is to keep you motivated and optimistic. I mean, no one would keep putting money into a slot machine if there was zero chance of winning. So you need these small wins here and there to activate the reward center of your brain and remind you what you’re working for. With a narcissist, they hijack your reward system very early on during that initial love bombing stage. They also use future faking to motivate you to work really hard to get those initial rewards back and to prove that you’re worthy of the fantastic future rewards that are being promised.
So, in time, you’re tricked into thinking that the relationship problems are all your fault, and if you just work hard enough, you may find a way to regain the rewards from the past or get those big rewards sometime in the future. But in reality, in the NOW, you will only receive very tiny rewards, short bursts of kindness that will act as breadcrumbs to keep you hopeful, motivated, and on track. As long as you have hope for a big return, you’ll keep investing!
2 – They Want Something From You
Number two is that the narcissist wants or needs something from you. This can be your attention, admiration, validation, it can be your money, resources, it can be your services, se*x, your whatever they need that they can’t get elsewhere right this very minute. Perhaps that’s because they are low on other sources of supply, perhaps it’s because you’re just the closest and most convenient person that can provide what they want… maybe it’s because they know they don’t have to expend much energy to get what they want from you.
A tiny crumb of kindness usually does the trick. So in this case, their kindness is not about any fundamental change in their personality or their behavior. It’s all about extracting favors, resources, and attention from you and just furthering their agenda and getting their needs met in the moment.
3 – Emotional Manipulation
Number three is emotional manipulation and control. So by creating an unpredictable emotional environment, the narcissist keeps you off balance, leaving you grasping for stability, approval, and emotional relief. They conditioned you early on to be reliant on their intermittent reinforcements and rewards for the sense of relief from anxiety, confusion, and emotional suffering that they are causing. So essentially, you’ve been trained to turn to the source of your distress for Relief. It’s like they’re using you as a punching bag but also holding the key to the medicine cabinet and controlling if and when you get that pain medication that you need.
4 – Shame/Fear of Exposure
shame and fear of exposure. So when the narcissist believes that you’re starting to see them in their true light, perhaps you’ve challenged them, called them out, caught them red-handed, they will likely double down on you. But if they realize that this isn’t working and you’re not getting back in line as quickly as usual, they may switch tactics and turn on the charm. Remember, the narcissist thrives on maintaining an image of flawlessness.
But under the surface, they are filled with shame, and they will do anything to hide this shame and avoid exposure. So if they get hit with a shame storm or they feel like you’re close to exposing this shamefully hidden self, they may suddenly turn nice and become more accommodating and agreeable temporarily. Almost like craving your approval.
But really, it’s that they need you to see them in that positive light again to ease their shame and uphold their false fantasy self. So they work to regain your admiration and get you off their scent. But as soon as you’re back on board, they’ll go back to pulling away, disapproving, and devaluing you to make sure that you’re back in the program of working like a dog to please, chase, support, and continue supplying them.
5 – You’re in the Spotlight
won’t be happy that you’re getting this attention, but if they can’t hold you back or prevent it, the next best thing is to get in your good books and get as close as possible to the action so that they can bask in the spotlight alongside you and of course get as much credit as possible for supporting you, coaching you, inspiring you to achieve whatever successes you’re being celebrated for.
6 – Nice in PUBLIC
The narcissist may be kind to you in public to create a smoke screen, an illusion to gain social approval and uphold their public persona of being a good person. This allows them to avoid suspicion for their cruel behind-the-scenes behavior, and it’s also useful in the event that you should wake up and smell the coffee and start reaching out for support because your stories will be harder to believe now that everyone has seen with their own eyes how supportive and caring the narcissist is towards you in public. It’s all about keeping their carefully constructed facade intact.
7 – After Narcissistic Injury
when a narcissist experiences a narcissistic injury inflicted by someone else (so not you), they may turn to you, expressing kindness and vulnerability in order to get you to lick their wounds and gain your validation and empathy.
8 – To Avoid Consequences
the fallout of their harmful actions. Narcissists often resort to kindness as a means of damage control. It’s like a charm offensive that deflects blame and shifts attention away from their bad behavior. By engaging in acts of kindness, they manipulate your perception and get you to second guess yourself, and as a result, they avoid some or all of the consequences of their harmful actions.
9: To Maintain a Facade of Normalcy
is to maintain a facade of normalcy. Narcissists strive to act like normal, caring, and emotionally stable people, at least in public. But they also will do this with you on occasion so that they can more easily blame any problems on you. So using this intermittent kindness, generosity, and compassion, they want you to see this as evidence that they are well-adjusted and that you are the problem.
10 – Strategic Re-Engagement
strategic re-engagement. So let’s say the relationship has ended, maybe you’ve come to your senses, or maybe the narcissist has discarded you, but at some point down the line (it might be a few days, it might be a few weeks, a few months, maybe even years), but the narcissist, at some point, starts feeling alone. Their replacement supply didn’t work out, they’re running low, and they text you, they ask to see you. And if you open a crack in the door, they may pour on the charm, and go back to love-bombing you.
They might even apologize or admit fault, begging for another chance. The goal is to get back in, sometimes just to prove that they can. So they’re being nice in order for you to let them back in. And you will learn that they used kindness and charm as a way of exploiting your vulnerabilities once again. So they’ve reignited hope, made you second guess yourself, maybe you were wrong. Maybe you should give them another chance. Aren’t we supposed to forgive other people? And this kindness on your part becomes prime territory for the narcissist to regain control and reestablish dominance over you.
A person with narcissistic personality disorder often know that they are behaving in cruel ways, but they may not know exactly why or what is at the root of their behavior. Because they create this dynamic repeatedly, it makes it look like they’re chess masters, having carefully orchestrated every piece of this game. But what I found is that most are not aware, and they do not recognize their patterns or their role in their recurring problems. They don’t understand or examine why they do what they do, nor do they care to find out because if they did, their whole house of cards would collapse.
So all they know is that when they push you away, you value them more. When they devalue you, you work harder to prove your worth. When you fear their rejection and abandonment, they are safe from yours. When they activate your shame, there’s less
…and the cooler they get towards you, the more secure and in control they feel. And as things spiral down and unravel, they rationalize, project, deflect, gaslight, and keep all the blame off of themselves. And then when it breaks down, it’s rinse and repeat, often right up until the day that they die.
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