Narcissists are manipulators, posing as the ideal partner, friend, or employer so that you can trust them and use you. They present a front that draws you in as they make you think that they’re the solution to your ideal, only to disappoint you later on. Underneath, I outline 10 how narcissists portray themselves to manipulate you from real-life encounters, such as my clients that narcissists manipulated. Being aware of these strategies will make you one step ahead.
1. The Religious or Spiritual Facade
If you’re a religious or spiritual person, a narcissist will mirror your beliefs, portraying themselves as deeply devout to gain your trust. They may act like they follow God’s laws, attend religious gatherings, or even lead spiritual organizations. However, this is often a front. Some narcissists don’t believe in God at all, while others use religion as a tool to scam vulnerable people, start cults, or control followers for money or power. Be wary of those who overemphasize their spirituality, it’s often a tactic to appear trustworthy.
2. The Pure and Innocent Act
Narcissists often claim to be pure or reformed to throw you off their true character. They might say, “I used to be a player, but I’m not anymore,” or “I don’t even know how to use this dating app my sister signed me up for!” This innocent act is designed to make you think they’re naive, not tech-savvy, or not “out there” chasing others. In reality, they’re often juggling multiple relationships or “supply” while maintaining this facade. If they insist they’re pure, question it; they’re likely hiding their true intentions.
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3. The Celibacy Claim
A common narcissist tactic is claiming they’ve been celibate for years, saying things like, “I haven’t been with anyone in three years,” to appear virtuous. This is especially true after a breakup or during a “break” in a relationship. They might say they were “too busy with work” or “too depressed” to date, but in truth, they were likely active with other partners. Narcissists rarely stay alone, so take these claims with skepticism.
4. The Trustworthy Persona
Narcissists will repeatedly ask, “Do you trust me?” or insist, “You can trust me!” to push you into believing they’re reliable. A trustworthy person doesn’t need to constantly proclaim it actions speak louder than words. One client shared how a narcissist pressured her to trust him quickly, getting angry when she said trust takes time. This impatience is a red flag. Narcissists move fast to avoid revealing their true selves, as they can’t sustain their act for long.
5. The Homebody Image
Narcissists often portray themselves as homebodies who prefer staying in, saying things like, “I’m just relaxing on the couch, playing video games, or reading a book.” Meanwhile, they’re likely out socializing or meeting other “supply.” One narcissist even sent a client a photo with a dating app icon visible, exposing his lie about being a homebody. Don’t fall for this, they’re rarely as low-key as they claim.
6. The Family-Oriented Front
Narcissists may present themselves as devoted family members, posting pictures with their kids or claiming, “My kids come first.” In reality, they may neglect their children or use them as an excuse to avoid you while pursuing other partners. For example, they might say, “I can’t see you this weekend; I’m with my kids,” when they’re meeting someone else. This family-oriented image is a calculated move to seem responsible and trustworthy.
7. The Anti-Barfly Claim
To further their “innocent” image, narcissists often claim they avoid bars, clubs, or social scenes, saying, “I’m not into that lifestyle.” A client once believed her partner wasn’t a “runaround” because he said he never went to bars, but he was actively meeting people at stores, work, and while traveling. Narcissists frequent social spots to find new supply, so don’t trust their claims of avoiding these places.
8. The Confident and Strong Facade
Narcissists project confidence and strength, but many are deeply insecure and cowardly. One experience I had involved a malignant narcissist who acted tough but backed down when confronted by someone he couldn’t manipulate. They bully those they perceive as weaker, like partners or vulnerable individuals, but crumble when faced with real opposition. Their confidence is a mask for their insecurities and need for constant validation.
9. The “I’m Not Like Others” Line
A classic narcissist line is, “I’m not like other guys/girls.” They use this to distance themselves from players or manipulators, but they’re often exactly like them. This line is meant to make you lower your guard, thinking they’re unique or genuine. If you hear this, be cautious; it’s a common tactic to reel you in.
10. The Deflection of Cheating
Narcissists often accuse you of cheating to deflect their guilt or shame. They might badmouth cheaters in movies or stories, saying, “That’s disgusting; I’d never do that,” while secretly cheating themselves. They may also trash-talk someone they’re secretly involved with, like a coworker, to throw you off their trail. For example, they’ll say, “That person at work is awful,” while having an affair with them. This deflection keeps you from suspecting their infidelity.
How to Protect Yourself
To avoid being fooled by a narcissist, take your time getting to know someone. Narcissists hate slow pacing because it risks exposing their true selves. Vet people thoroughly, and don’t believe their words without evidence. Watch for red flags like excessive claims of trustworthiness, purity, or innocence, and trust your instincts.
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