Narcissism doesn’t discriminate by gender when it comes to diagnosis, but if you’ve encountered both male and female narcissists, you know their core traits manifest differently. In this blog post, we’ll explore 10 ways female covert narcissists display their characteristics, with a special focus on behaviors that may resonate strongly with men, particularly points 1 and 4. Let’s dive into these red flags and patterns to help you recognize and protect yourself.
1. Hypersexual Love Bombing
Female covert narcissists often start relationships with intense love bombing, marked by hypersexuality. Early on, she may make you feel irresistibly desirable, showering you with physical affection. This can feel intoxicating, but it’s a trap. Once the relationship progresses, she may abruptly withdraw this affection, leaving you questioning your self-worth. This sudden shift is a deliberate tactic to destabilize your confidence and keep you seeking her validation.
Red Flag: If her affection feels over-the-top and she pushes for an intense connection before truly knowing you, proceed cautiously.
Related Topics:
9 Traits Of A Narcissistic Woman
8 Signs You’re in a Narcissistic Relationship
7 Nice Things Covert Narcissists Do to Secretly Control You
2. Excessive Compliments and Validation
In the love-bombing phase, a female narcissist will lavish you with compliments and validation, placing you on a pedestal. This idealization feels authentic because, in her mind, she may genuinely see you as “perfect” at this stage. However, this flattery is designed to hook you emotionally. Men, in particular, may find this hard to resist, as it plays into the desire to feel admired.
Red Flag: Be wary of excessive praise that feels disproportionate to the stage of your relationship.
3. Ruthless Gossip
Gossip is a hallmark of female covert narcissists. She may share others’ secrets to bond with you, making you feel trusted, but this tactic is manipulative. She’ll tear down friends or colleagues behind their backs while appearing friendly to their faces.
This behavior extends to smear campaigns, where she may unfairly ruin someone’s reputation. At work, she might even enlist others as “flying monkeys” to target a rival, creating a toxic environment.
Example Comment: “I work in entertainment, a hotbed for narcissists. Gossip is spot-on; females and males take each other down to get ahead.”
Red Flag: If she gossips viciously about others, expect her to do the same about you eventually.
4. Emasculating Behavior
A female covert narcissist often attacks a man’s sense of masculinity to erode his self-esteem. She may shame you for showing vulnerability, dismiss your emotions with phrases like “Man up,” or criticize your ability to provide or protect. This emasculation is a powerful weapon, gaslighting you into believing you must tolerate abuse to prove your strength.
Example Comment: “No empathy, shaming men for crying, unforgiving, massive need to be adored check.”
Red Flag: If she belittles your emotions or masculinity, it’s a sign of deeper control tactics.
5. Focus on Appearances and Attention-Seeking
Female covert narcissists are obsessed with projecting a perfect image. She may flaunt designer items, drive an expensive car, or pretend to be financially successful, even if it’s all a facade. This attention-seeking extends to faking empathy in public to appear caring, while being cold or abusive in private. Men should watch for entitlement if she expects lavish gifts or expensive outings as a relationship requirement; it’s a red flag.
Example Comment: “Maintaining a perfect home even when she couldn’t afford it check.”
Red Flag: If her lifestyle seems like smoke and mirrors or if she demands extravagance, question her motives.
6. Passive-Aggressive Tactics
Passive aggression, like silent treatment or stonewalling, is common with female covert narcissists. She may push your buttons to provoke a reaction, then play the victim when you respond. This reactive abuse makes you feel guilty and keeps her in control. While anyone can be passive-aggressive, with her, it’s a consistent pattern designed to manipulate.
Red Flag: Notice if she shuts you out or provokes you repeatedly’s not a one-off behavior.
7. Selective Empathy
A female covert narcissist may pride herself on being empathetic, especially in public or with others, but when you need support, she goes cold. You might hear dismissive phrases like “Get over it” or “You’re being a baby.” This is especially damaging in close relationships, like with a partner or mother, where her lack of genuine care leaves you feeling unsupported.
Red Flag: If her empathy is performative and absent when you need it most, it’s a sign of narcissism.
8. Never Enough
No matter how hard you try, a female covert narcissist will make you feel like you’re never enough. She dangles approval just out of reach, keeping you striving for her validation. This manipulation ensures you stay invested while she remains emotionally unavailable. Her dissatisfaction isn’t about you, it’s a reflection of her unhappiness.
Example Comment: “My ex-wife was a narcissist. No matter what I did, the cup never filled. She had an affair and left me.”
Red Flag: If you’re constantly chasing her approval without success, it’s time to reassess.
9. Selective Boundaries
A female covert narcissist enforces strict boundaries for herself but disregards yours. She may trample your limits to assert dominance, then shame you for crossing hers. This double standard highlights her need for control and lack of respect for your autonomy.
Example Comment: “When you say no, they insult you to provoke you, stalk you on social media, check.”
Red Flag: If she ignores your boundaries while demanding hers be respected, it’s a power play.
10. Control and Jealousy
Control is a key trait of female covert narcissists, often manifesting in attempts to dictate your career, finances, or life choices. She may push you toward high-paying but unfulfilling paths to boost her status. Additionally, she may provoke jealousy to test your loyalty, flirting with others or boasting about the attention she receives. If you don’t react, she may accuse you of not caring while using jealousy to mask her infidelity.
Red Flag: If she tries to control major aspects of your life or manipulates with jealousy, it’s a sign of deeper issues.
The Gradual Erosion of Self-Worth
All these behaviors, love bombing, emasculation, control, and more, are designed to erode your self-worth. If you were raised by a narcissistic woman or have been in relationships with them, you might mistake these traits as “normal” female behavior, trapping you in toxic cycles. A trauma bond, akin to Stockholm syndrome, can further complicate leaving, as your brain becomes wired to seek her approval.
Resource: If you suspect you’re in a narcissistic relationship, look for resources on the cycles of narcissistic abuse. Understanding the stages of idealization, devaluation, discard, and hoovering can help you break free.
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