Narcissists have a reputation for being confusing and manipulative in their actions and words, which can leave others around them bewildered and wondering where they stand. Their words and actions are often not consistent with one another, generating a storm of conflicting messages that can be exhausting. Here are five mixed messages narcissists tend to send, why they send them, and how to identify them to protect yourself, according to this article.
1. They Profess Love but Act Cold
One of the most confusing behaviors narcissists exhibit is declaring their love while simultaneously being emotionally distant. They might say, “I love you unconditionally,” but then refuse to engage in physical or emotional intimacy, such as holding hands, cuddling, or spending quality time together. They may shower you with affectionate words one moment, only to make excuses for why they can’t see you, prioritizing everything and everyone else.
Why they do it: Narcissists use declarations of love as a tool to keep you hooked, ensuring you remain a source of their “supply” (attention, validation, or resources). Their words are often empty, designed to manipulate rather than reflect genuine feelings. When their actions don’t match their words, it’s a clear sign you’re dealing with someone inauthentic.
Red Flag: If someone claims to love you but consistently avoids closeness or makes excuses, trust your instincts; they’re not being genuine.
2. They Flirt Relentlessly but Never Follow Through
Narcissists often engage in heavy flirting, complimenting your appearance, making suggestive comments, or winking at you in social settings, but fail to take the relationship further. For example, they might flirt with you at the gym or workplace, giving the impression they’re interested, only to never ask you out or pursue a deeper connection.
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Why they do it: This behavior is about boosting their ego. Narcissists thrive on attention and validation, flirting to gauge your interest without any intention of commitment. They may already be in a relationship, keeping you as a backup, or simply enjoying the thrill of your attention.
Red Flag: If someone flirts consistently but never escalates the relationship, they’re likely using you to feed their ego while hiding their true intentions or commitments.
3. They’re Kind to Outsiders but Cruel at Home
Narcissists often present a charming facade to the outside world, being overly polite and helpful to neighbors, coworkers, or strangers, while treating those closest to them with coldness or cruelty. They might be praised as “the nicest person” by others, yet at home, they criticize, belittle, or dismiss you.
Why they do it: This is especially common with covert narcissists, who prioritize their public image. They want to appear perfect to outsiders, but since they already “have” you, they feel no need to maintain the act in private. You become the target of their true, unfiltered behavior.
Red Flag: If someone is adored by others but treats you poorly behind closed doors, they’re manipulating their image while disregarding your feelings.
4. They Make Promises They Don’t Keep
Narcissists are notorious for making grand promises, whether it’s about changing their behavior, planning a vacation, or simply calling you back, that they rarely follow through on. They might say, “I’ll stop staying out late,” or “We’ll go to lunch soon,” but when the time comes, they’re nowhere to be found.
Why they do it: These empty promises are a form of manipulation to keep you hopeful and invested. Narcissists use words to create an illusion of commitment, but their actions reveal their true lack of accountability.
Red Flag: If someone repeatedly makes promises they don’t keep, especially with flimsy excuses, you’re dealing with someone unreliable and manipulative.
5. They Love-Bomb, Then Devalue and Ghost
In the beginning, narcissists often “love-bomb” you with excessive affection, compliments, and attention to win you over. However, once they feel they’ve secured your loyalty, their behavior shifts dramatically. They may become cold, critical, or even ghost you entirely, only to return with more love-bombing when they sense you pulling away.
Why they do it: This cycle of love-bombing, devaluation, and ghosting is designed to keep you emotionally dependent. When you start to distance yourself, they sense the loss of control and revert to affection to reel you back in. This push-and-pull is pure manipulation, not love.
Red Flag: If someone alternates between overwhelming affection and sudden coldness, especially after ghosting or cheating, they’re playing mind games to maintain control.
Bonus Mixed Message: They Claim Exclusivity but Hide Their Actions
Narcissists may insist they’re “only talking to you” or “centering in on you” while secretly engaging with others, whether on dating apps or social media. They might spend hours on the phone with you, creating the illusion of exclusivity, only for you to discover they’re active on dating platforms or messaging others.
Why they do it: This behavior ensures they have multiple sources of attention while keeping you in the dark. They want you to believe you’re special to maintain your loyalty, all while pursuing other options.
Red Flag: If someone claims exclusivity but their actions (like being active on dating apps or hiding their communications) suggest otherwise, they’re deceiving you.
How to Protect Yourself
When dealing with a narcissist, trust your gut. If something feels off, if their words don’t match their actions or their behavior seems inconsistent, it’s because you’re dealing with someone who’s manipulating you. Here are some tips to protect yourself:
- Recognize the Red Flags: Mixed messages are a hallmark of narcissistic behavior. If their actions don’t align with their words, don’t ignore it.
- Set Boundaries: Stop chasing their approval or begging for their attention. Pull back and observe how they react.
- Trust Your Instincts: If your gut tells you something isn’t right, it probably isn’t. A genuine person’s actions will consistently match their words.
- Don’t Fall for Love-Bombing: Be wary of excessive affection, especially after periods of coldness or ghosting. It’s a tactic to keep you hooked.
- Seek Support: If you’re confused about someone’s behavior, consider professional guidance or coaching to gain clarity and develop strategies to cope.
Narcissists thrive on confusion, using mixed messages to manipulate and control those around them. By recognizing these patterns, professing love while acting cold, flirting without commitment, being kind to outsiders but cruel at home, making empty promises, and cycling between love-bombing and devaluation, you can protect yourself from their mind games. Trust your instincts, prioritize your well-being, and don’t let their words fool you into staying in a toxic dynamic.
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