Hoovering is a classic manipulation tactic designed to convince you to return to a toxic relationship, like the well-known Hoover vacuum. Hoovering seeks to suck you back in; some hoovering attempts are apparent, while others are far more sneaky and insidious. Victims of narcissistic abuse may undergo several months or years of hoovering before leaving the relationship for good.
The hoovering narcissist is clever and quick; they know how to pique your interest because they already know your fears and weaknesses. Subsequently, they exploit those vulnerabilities to lure you back into their life. There are many narcissistic tactics to get you back into their lives. Let’s get into some of the common examples.
1. Flooding you with flattery:
But you’re my soulmate. Nobody understands me like you do. I have never felt so connected with another person. You’re the only one I’m supposed to be with.” If any of those compliments sound familiar, recognize them as attempts to win you over with adoration. Narcissists recognize the universal need to be loved and exploit this need by conveying how obsessed they are with you. If you’re reeling from your breakup, these lines can easily work magic on you, convincing you that you’re special and that this time will be different. Remember that a simple “I love you” is one of the easiest things narcissists say to get you back.
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2. Consuming you with Nostalgia:
Remember when we first met? I will never forget that day. Remember how we felt when we first saw our baby? Remember how much fun we had on that amazing trip last summer?” Nostalgia is a powerful emotion that can trigger heightened feelings of optimism, social connectivity, and physical warmth. Narcissists may play on this emotion to remind you of all the good times you shared. Breakups hurt everyone involved, and the narcissist knows if you still have ambivalent feelings about your relationship. Therefore, they will use nostalgia to heighten those feelings and increase your sense of guilt and longing.
3. Bombarding you with crises:
I’m sorry to bother you, but did you hear what happened to my mom? I just lost my job, and things are rough right now. I was in a bad car accident, just thought I’d let you know.” The narcissist understands you have empathy for their pain, so they might contort various situations to sound like full-blown emergencies. If an actual crisis does occur, they’ll run to you for emotional support and closeness. This type of hoovering can be painful for loved ones who don’t want to see the narcissist suffering, but it’s essential to recognize that these crises are often falsified or exaggerated. Even if they do occur, the narcissist’s response tends to be overly dramatic as a way to draw you back in.
4. Making an effort to change:
I’m ready to be a parent now. Let’s try to have a baby. I know I need to work on things; I started therapy last week. You’re right; we need to move; I’ve started looking at houses.” Did you and the narcissist have a continuous conflict with no real resolution? Did you desperately want something that they never wanted to give you? If so, the “making an effort to change” hoovering appears to solve this problem. When this happens, the narcissist suddenly agrees to concede; they’re now ready for marriage, they want to go to therapy, they want to make you happy. And of course, you want to believe they finally see the light and that the changes will stick. Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen. The effort to change doesn’t emerge from a profound desire to grow or improve oneself; instead, the changes are meant to placate and impress you. Once you’re back in their lives, the progress often stops altogether, and they return to their usual behavior.
5. Downplaying or lying about why they contacted you:
My sister said she saw you driving yesterday. How have you been? Oh, I didn’t realize I was calling you; that was an accident. I didn’t mean to like your picture; sorry about that.” Many times, the narcissist doesn’t want to acknowledge how your breakup impacts them. This acknowledgment would display weakness, which they are not willing to reveal. Instead of overwhelming you with obvious attempts to win you back, they will take an even more manipulative approach by accidentally forcing entry. That said, your response tends to open their floodgates.
6. Denying the current reality:
I wasn’t thinking right; we’re still together. That was just us going through things, babe. That was just a fight; we both said things we didn’t mean.” At times, the narcissist may act as if nothing has changed, as if you’re still happily together. This denial can come in various forms, like a sudden message reaching out, flowers and a romantic card, or showing up at your place by surprise.
7. Gaslighting your truth:
You’re imagining things; we were so happy. That was not what I meant; you’re twisting my words. Now I can’t call you to see how you’re doing while you’re being so sensitive.” Gaslighting coincides with many narcissist hoovering tactics. Gaslighting is an attempt to manipulate your reality; the narcissist attempts to invalidate your thoughts, feelings, memory, and overall mental sanity. Gaslighting can be incredibly explicit, meaning you know when it’s happening. Other times, however, it can feel downright confusing. For example, “I was just joking” can make you question if you really are overreacting; a simple “I never said that” may leave you wondering if you misheard what they told you.
8. Narcissist hoovering by proxy:
You two were so good for each other; do I know they really miss you? They’ve been such a mess since you broke up; you know they would never want to hurt you.” Proxy hoovering occurs when the narcissist uses someone else to do their dirty work. Instead of contacting you directly, they rely on other people to convey their needs. Proxy hoovers can include friends or family; at times, it may even be people who are seemingly on your side. Narcissists pick these individuals with careful precision; they choose people who are also charmed or impressed by their behavior. As a result, those people want to look after the narcissist; they want to help them feel better.
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