Today, I’m tackling a much-requested topic: What happens when two narcissists get together? Whether it’s an intimate relationship, a family dynamic, or even after you’ve been discarded, how does this pairing play out? What does it look like, and what are they experiencing behind the scenes? Spoiler alert: they won’t let you see the cracks if things go south. They’ll project an image that life is perfect without you.
So, I’ve compiled some insights from my own experiences, coaching, and understanding of narcissistic behavior to help you make sense of it all especially if you’re hurting right now, watching a narcissist move on, possibly with another narcissist.
The Grand Announcement: “I’ve Found My Perfect Match”
When a narcissist meets another narcissist, it’s often a spectacle. They puff out their chests, fluff their feathers, and declare to the world that they’ve finally found “the one.” “I’ve never been happier,” they’ll say. “If only this had happened sooner!” They want everyone especially you, their ex to believe this new person is their equal, their soulmate. And here’s the kicker: they might sense that this new partner is their equal because they’ve locked onto another narcissist.
Much like the fallout we experience after a narcissistic relationship where we beat ourselves up with “Why didn’t I see it sooner?” narcissists go through a similar slow realization when paired with one of their own. They don’t walk into relationships with horns and tails blazing (if they did, no one would stick around!). Instead, it’s a gradual boil. They lure their target narcissist or not with charm and promises, making it hard to walk away from what seems like a good thing.
The Love Bombing Extravaganza
When two narcissists collide, the love bombing is next-level. They shower each other with affection, attention, and grand gestures. You might wonder, “If narcissists can sniff out the perfect supply in us, why can’t they spot another narcissist?” Some of the sharper ones might pick up on subtle vibes early, especially the rare self-aware ones. But generally, the love bombing blinds them. When one narcissist gets an over-the-top positive reaction from their target (who also loves bombing them back), they think, “Got ‘em! They’re hooked!”
Here’s where it gets interesting: narcissists have a blind spot. Their need for control, admiration, and attention overrides critical thinking. It’s like a glitch in their decision-making process. The pleasure and empowerment they get from the other narcissist’s enthusiastic response mirroring their tactics sidesteps any suspicion. They’re too busy reveling in how “under control” and compliant their new partner seems. So, yes, they can be hoodwinked by another narcissist, at least initially.
The Mask Slips: 3-6 Months In
Just like in our relationships with narcissists, the first few months are a honeymoon phase. They’re still wearing their false masks, playing the part perfectly. But around the three-to-six-month mark, something shifts. A control test, a slip-up, a moment that makes you or them go, “What the heck was that?” For us, we might overlook it because the love bombing and future faking were so convincing.
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Narcissists do the same with each other. They’re invested, so they ignore the red flags. I’ve even heard a narcissist admit, after I asked directly, that it took them four to six months to realize they’d “made a mistake” with their partner. So, don’t beat yourself up for taking time to see the truth even narcissists miss it when they’re with one of their own.
Initially, they’ll flaunt this “dream relationship” in your face, convinced they’ve hit the jackpot. They’ll seem delighted, in love, and oh-so-compliant with each other because neither realizes what they’re truly dealing with yet.
Does It Work Out? Yes… and No
So, can two narcissists make it work? It’s a mixed bag. Let’s break it down.
After the love bombing fades (around four to six months), they start trying to control and groom each other breaking boundaries, isolating one another from friends and family, and demanding more. But here’s the problem: they’re both pushing against an immovable force. Neither wants to bend. If they share two key things, though, they might stick it out for a while:
- A Shared Agenda: If they’re “equally yoked” meaning each brings something valuable to the table they can form a transactional partnership. Think of one narcissist with industry connections paired with another who has money. Together, they’re more powerful, able to manipulate others and garner external supply. They’ll focus outward, using each other to boost their status, rather than turning on one another. This can keep them together for years sometimes five to ten until the benefits dry up or an imbalance emerges.
- A Common Enemy: Narcissists thrive on hate. If they can redirect their energy toward a shared target (like an ex maybe you!), they’ll team up to destroy that person. For example, they might smear their old supply as “crazy” or “unhinged” to bond over the drama and gain power. It’s a twisted synergy that can sustain them temporarily.
The Masks They Wear
How long they stay together depends on their “mask” the persona they project to the world. Are they the “good guy/gal,” the “communal narcissist,” the “saint,” or the “family man/woman”? Whatever mask they wear dictates their priorities and decisions. If the relationship no longer serves that image or the transactional benefits fade they’ll cut ties. It’s like leaving a job for a better offer: cold, calculated, and all about what they can get.
The Crash and Burn
Behind closed doors, it’s chaos. Even with shared agendas or enemies, two narcissists are always grappling for control and control is oxygen to them. Without it, they unravel. They crave attention, drama, and emotional reactions from each other because it validates their false selves. If they can’t get that, they feel invisible, which is their worst nightmare (think silent treatment it drives them nuts).
Early on, the fights, breakups, and makeups fuel them. The chaos keeps their “narcissistic supply” tank full. Outsiders might think, “How do they live like this?” But to them, it’s a feast until it isn’t. When external attention wanes, common goals fizzle (like a failed business venture), or family and friends get fed up, the cracks widen. Arguments escalate, sometimes turning physical, with police involvement signaling the end. At that point, one or both decide it’s unsustainable.
Separate Lives or Co-Parenting Games
Some narcissists stay “together” in name only showing up at events to keep up appearances while living separate lives. Others, if they have kids, use them as pawns. Co-parenting becomes a battleground for control, with each trying to sway the children. If outside supply dries up, they might even team up to look like “perfect parents,” triangulating new partners to make them jealous. It’s all a game to maintain their image.
Transitional Supply and Mutual Respect
Post-breakup, narcissists often lean on each other as a “transitional supply” between relationships. They’ll spend time together, not necessarily rekindling romance, but feeding off familiarity. Here’s the wild part: they respect each other. They recognize the cold, transactional nature of their bond and admire it. To them, kindness and vulnerability are weaknesses; calculated ruthlessness is strength. So, they might praise an ex-narcissist for moving on quickly, seeing it as a win.
If you’re the recent ex, they might even sit down with their narcissist ex over dinner, dissecting your “faults.” It’s fickle, dark, and awful but it can last a lifetime if it benefits them.
A Confusing Twist for You
If your narcissist hooks up with you after leaving another narcissist, it’s disorienting. They’ll trash their ex, and you might see evidence of that ex’s awfulness because they’re a narcissist too! It’s easy to buy the story hook, line, and sinker. Don’t blame yourself for missing the signs; this dynamic is a gaslighting minefield.
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